So, who forgot to tell me that ANTM’s new cycle was starting tonight? I missed the first 5 minutes because of you, whoever you are. Aaannywaaay…it’s on, fashion bitches! America’s Next Top Model is back for it’s 16th cycle. Are you excited? Shut up.
So, as I stated, I missed the first five minutes of the show so I picked it up as they were culling the herd to 14. The Jays gave each girl an envelope and advised that if their picture was in the envelope, they were on to the next round. The girls open their envelopes and much ecstatic screaming and sad sobbing ensues. The girls who receive their pictures are spirited away somewhere and, oddly, never seen again. The Jays stay to give encouragement to the losers. Wait…what? They’re spending an awful lot of time with the eliminated girls. We get to see what I assume really happens behind the scenes when the girls are sent packing. We see a producer usher the losers into a back room where their bags have been unceremoniously dumped in a corner by a staircase. The producer says that they are to wait for Tyra because Tyra likes to say goodbye to the losers before they are plopped back on the next thing smoking to Podunk. Yeah…something’s off about this whole thing. Tyra appears and blathers something about rejection and perseverance and the road to success not being a straight line or some crap and the girls cry and then Tyra tells them that they have to go home…but they don’t have to go far. A sheet is pulled away and what is revealed is the new model house! Surprise! Only it’s not, ‘cause a blind man could have seen that twist coming.
Model House: We are being introduced to some of the girls. So far, most of them are falling into the usual Top Model archetypes. There’s Jaclyn, who is all curly hair and baby face and sweetness and light. She really is cute as a button and she falls in to the typical doe eyed, fish out of water, this is my first time away from home and I don’t know NOTHIN’ bout NOTHIN!’ When the girls received their first Tyra mail which states “Let’s get the ball rolling, shall we?“ Jaclyn vo’s that it must be “something in a bowling alley…that’s all I can think it could be!” Oh, honey.
We meet Dominique, the sassy, bossy black girl, with a lot of sass, y’all! This heifer actually called a house meeting. On the first day! She’s holding a white elephant porcelain thingy and she says only the person with the elephant can talk. That goes over about as well as you’d expect. She gets everyone’s attention long enough to ask if everyone had a bed. She then says that someone is going to be eliminated that day because she didn’t have a bed. Someone else chimes in that she didn’t have a bed either. Dominique reasons that that must mean that two of them are going home because there are 14 of them and only 12 beds. So it would seem that the girls have simple addition and subtraction down. That’s promising.
Then we have Alexandria, the bitchy know-it-all who knows so much because she has SO much modeling experience! (Editing is telling us that we are going to HATE this girl, y’all). We briefly meet Sara, who is the quirky looking, awkward girl who doesn’t know her modeling potential. We’ve encountered these girls in a different incarnation EVERY CYCLE. Do the producers of this show get together ahead of time and decide who is going to get what edit, or do they just wait to see what shakes loose during filming and take it from there?
Model Challenge: The girls are ferried to some manse in Malibu where Mr. Jay is waiting with a woman named Erin Wasson, who apparently is a model and designer. Okay? I have no idea who she is, so I’ll take their word for it. Most, if not all, of the girls know who she is. Jay then introduces the photographer, Russell James and all of the girls are apoplectic. Russell James, according to model Brittany, has photographed all of the Victoria Secret supermodels. I am really impressed by how fashion savvy this group of girls are. I think that means that there won’t be a very steep learning curve this season. That might make this a fun season to watch.
Mr. Jay announces that this challenge is a runway challenge. Not only is it a runway challenge but it’s also a backstage photo shoot. James is going to be shooting the backstage goings on while the girls are prepped for the runway show. Sounds easy, right? Well, this is Top Model and Top Model is nothing if not ridiculous. Jay informs the girls that they are going to be walking on a 12 inch runway surrounded by water…in a plastic bubble. When the plastic bubble is announced, Miss Jay minces his way out in full model regalia while in a plastic bubble. He does fabulously, but his ass isn’t on a 12 inch runway surrounded by water. Who thinks this shit up, anyway?
Backstage shoot: The girls are in hair and makeup and Russell James is shooting away. This is boring. At one point, Jay is coaching Alexandria stating that she pokes out her upper lip constantly. She talking heads that she has natural “swag” and “you either have it, or you don’t”. She says she doesn’t care what anyone has to say because she’s the shit and you can either love it or you can kiss her lily white ass. I’m paraphrasing, but that’s the basic sentiment.
Runway Show: This goes about as well as you’d expect. Miss Jay and Erin Wasson give the girls some last minute pointers before they are loaded into their bubbles and made to walk this watery, rubbery runway. I am extremely perturbed by the fact that these girls are being judged on how well they walk in a big plastic bubble. Only Brittany manages a decent walk. All the rest of them look as awkward as you’d think someone trying to walk in a big ball WOULD look. Dominique and another model named Ondrei fall into the water. It seems like it took both of them quite some time to recover and get out of the water. Dominique plays it off well and gets up with a smile and a flourish, but Ondrei looks like she’s about to cry. Poor baby. Even supermodel Erin says she didn’t think SHE could pull that off. She’s so impressed with the girls that she gifts them with pieces of her jewelry line. That’s nice.
Model House: Alexandria is coaching Jaclyn on her walk. Model Molly vo’s that Alexandria talks to Jaclyn like she is a child. And bitch absolutely does! Alexandria vo’s that she doesn’t understand how Jaclyn doesn’t know all these things that she’s just supposed to KNOW as a model. She says that she (Alexandria)has walked LA fashion week and NY fashion week. So she’s an experienced model and blah, blah, blah. And really, why is she even bothering? I mean, Jaclyn is the COMPETITION. Why even concern yourself with what she knows or doesn’t know? Let all the stuff she doesn’t know escort her ass right out of the door. Are you trying to win ANTM or start a modeling school? Sheesh!
Tyra mail of doom! Someone’s gonna get eliminated! Stay tuned!
Panel: We get a behind the scenes shot of the judges panel. Tyra shows up (probably 3 hours late, if the rumors are true) wearing a t-shirt with a large drawing of Andre Leon Talley’s face on it. The panel, which includes Talley, the oh so delicious Nigel Barker and Erin Wasson, oohs and aahs and clucks at the brilliance of the shirt. Gag! Tyra and Talley hug and air kiss. Barf! And why does Mr. Talley have a dust broom attached to the back of his hat?? WTH?? Why is he so effin ridiculous? WHY??
Blah blah pictures, blah blah judging. Nothing exciting to see here. There is a moment when Brittany is up for critique and she’s told she’s doing way to much with her accessories. She has some sort of feather clip in her hair and Andre Leon Talley tells her, basically, to loose it and never find it again. I found his comment ironic given that thing flapping around on the back of his hat. But, I’m not in fashion and I don’t talk with a pseudo-European accent, so what the hell do I know?
The judges deliberate. Blah Blah Blah deliberate. Molly wins best picture, and it’s a great picture, but I thought Alexandria’s picture was better. Again…what do I know. Angelia and Dominique are in the bottom two. Both of the girls’ pictures are “meh”, so they choose the girl with the sparkling personality. Dominique stays and Angelia goes home. Angelia clearly has pretty girl syndrome and is shocked that she was eliminated. Because she’s SO pretty, y’all! Whatever…kick rocks, pretty girl. The road to NY fashion week is paved with the carcasses of millions of pretty girls.
NEXT WEEK: Bees!!! And Alek Wek.
